Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

[sandramore]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

Space... I still have that feeling in my stomach... I just have this constant feeling I'm going to puke my guts out..

We've been through this so many times before....

My phone rang... a bird down... I remember shock that it had gone down "in the stands," but god help me, as bad as I felt about that, all I could think was, "Oh no, who?"

Ghost had just been sitting in a friend's hangar a few days before. He'd sent me pictures of her. And now, suddenly, she was in a million pieces and Jimmy was gone.

I get hit with bouts of tears, and I'm with you and Space, I can't get rid of the knot in my stomach. I didn't think it could be worse than when Gary went down in MA. I was wrong.

[RCoulter]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

I was parked at the Swan Lake Nature Study Area about a mile South-East of RTS. I normally would have been inside especially since I had media crendentials but I had been feeling a little sick and just "not right" the days leading up to Friday and hadn't even been in since the Races started the days before oddly enough. Hoping that I was getting better and that seeing the Unlimiteds' would get me the rest of the way to go finish the week actually at the Races.

I was sitting in my Wrangler and had just seen Voodoo come around Pylon 2, I looked back to watch Bear and Ghost come past and just as I had focused on GG it pitched up in a way I had not seen a plane do ever before. Once it went inverted I knew it was all over, I just watched in horror as Ghost made the dive towards the stands and waited for the fireball that I was sure would follow. After not seeing one I actually thought for a half second or so that some miracle had happened and maybe it had just slid out somehow, but just as I finished that thought I heard the "Red Flag!, Red Flag" call over my scanner and knew the worst had occurred. Not having a good angle to actually see the stands due to terrain I didn't know the first few moments what kind of tragedy was unfolding. It was a few more moments before I heard the announcers start asking people to stay away unless they were trained in EMS since I had my scanner on Race Control but a nice older fellow in his van had his radio on the PA broadcast and loud enough for me to hear. Then I checked AAFO and saw the "Ghost crashed in the stands" post and was able to put everything together. I then called my Mom to tell her what happened and let her know I was OK since she thought I may have been inside.

After that I started heading home and started to see how bad the situation was when I saw three to four REMSA units at a time heading towards the airport and hearing on my scanner multiple mentions of a "MCI", a Mass Casualty Incident and seeing pretty much every Fire/Police vehicle running Code 3 towards Stead. I got home and just tried to calm down and was able to eat somewhat amazingly. That night was pretty much sleepless though.

[InetGuy]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

[madman]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

Becoming part of this community has helped me more than anything.

I was at the west end of the ramp taking photographs as they rounded seven and eight. I remember seeing GG come around and I was shooting away.... I looked at the fifth and sixth place planes coming down the valley of speed, and then looked back at Rare Bear. Next thing I see is GG pitching up and then straight down. My very first thought was, "Oh my god, she's in the stands". Second thought was, "where is the black cloud of smoke".

I've cried, been on the verge of crying, and then I'm feeling like crying again.

Going back and looking at some of the photos I shot during the week has helped. I spent six days at Stead this year. The most I have ever, and it was an incredible week, right up until 4:25pm friday. Saturday and Sunday have always been the days my daughter and I spend at the races. We would have been close to where the crash was. I'm still trying to deal with the "what if".....

Being able to read some of the thoughts all of you have posted is helping. I really appreciate Wayne allowing us to express... I've waited until tonight to do so, because I didn't know what I wanted to say. I'm still not sure if I've managed to say it, but I'm feeling a little better.

Thanks to all.

--Mark

[AAFO_WSagar]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

I had won the press lottery to outer four.... practiced through the sport and jet race, trying to get the challenging exposure dialed...

Watched Jimmy pass the bear on the previous lap and was just thrilled at what Jimmy had just accomplished.

Busy trying to get photos, I did not see the pullup but did see, what I first thought was a desperate grab for the runway.. a fraction of a second later, I realized it was not that, but what it actually was.

We are always briefed that with any emergency like this, we immediately return to the vehicle which brought us out. Trying to figure out who had just gone in, it became obvious, it was my friend Jimmy..

We were held for some time out on four, all of us in the van were desperately trying to get some confirmation of who/what/where...

I worried about my dear BeerNazi, who I knew usually wound up in the Mueller box 77....

Most of you who have posted here were much MUCH closer than I.. I am extremely grateful that the terrain blocked the final moment.

My emotions are puzzling me... I have none... zero.. I'm flatline. I can not feel joy or pain, I'm just here.

I lost someone I really liked, a lot, I know others suffered greatly, I can't imagine the grief of Jimmy's family, who BeerNazi was standing next to when this happened... where's mine?

Will it hit me with a flood at some time in the future? Have I lost so many people I loved that I have no more emotion?

I know it hurt greatly while in the van and then, I watched others in absolute horror that they had lost someone... DB, for one, was in shock not knowing and having heard that Ghost had hit his box.. I helped him best I could, found out, again, as best I could, where it had hit.. then saw Crista Mueller and Terri Rowe heading to the press area where DB was still trying to catch his breath. (He'd collapsed getting off the press bus) I grabbed them and literally dragged them to the room where Dave was... I've never heard such sobbing of relief and love as these folks were reunited..

Then I felt nothing.. I still feel nothing. I keep seeing Jimmy's smiling face, remembering his calls, his warmth, his wish to see me succeed and his efforts to help me do so...

Yet... I feel nothing! Blank.. zero.. no joy, pain... nothing.

WTF is wrong with me!?

[spacegrrrl]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

Wayne, nothing wrong with you, that is a very common reaction as you process. When the Super Corsair went in I was with a very close friend and we were both numb for several days, after I dropped him off at the airport several days later I burst into tears and cried for an hour. He said something similar happened to him once he was home.

We aren't wired to easily process events like this.

Virtual hug Wayne,

Spacegrrrl

[Pylon1_Mark]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

There is nothing wrong with you at all Mr Wayners... it's just a defense mechanism. You're unconsious mind is blocking you from emotions right now. It will hit you in time. When it does - you know you have a lot of people who understand.

Also agree with spacegirl - we really aren't wired to easily process events like this.

[InetGuy]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

[dineega]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

There's nothing wrong with you Wayner. It's just your brain trying to protect you from acknowledging what happened, and what could have been. We all handle these things differently.

Friday afternoon I stopped in the box area for the very first time, just when the Unlimiteds were heading out. The friend I went to see was not in the box at the time so I headed back to the pits. I struggle with my feelings of relief that I wasn't there, and sadness for what my friend and others are going through.

We just cope the best we can. Be kind to yourself. Give Linda a big hug from me - I never did get to see her this year.

Rachel

[a4gturn]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

Wayne, thank you for keeping my thread alive, I believe it's helping all of us grieve...you are grieving too..
I know that everyone grieves differently...when my daughter was killed so many years ago, I was like you...mad angry..didn't want to believe it....someone told me something I will never forget...life will be normal again, but it will be a different kind of normal...you'll see Wayne, you will get through this. You have all of us helping you..we need to keep talking this out...we are all here for each other.

[Eric67]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

I was vary close to the impact site, box B33. I dont know exactly where GG hit but it seemed like it was only feet away.
Like others i knew as soon as the GG pulled up that it was somthing seriously wrong, my eyes stayed glued to it as it rolled over and dove down. I thought of running but it seemed useless (plus I was with my dad and two sisters I couldn't leave them) But looking up i had no doubt that i was coming strate at me and I going to get hit and most likely die. I dove to the ground just as the GG hit the ground the crashing sound of the impact was defining and instant not at all like the sound of a car crash. I looked up to see my sisters crying and trying to pull me back down, but I had to see for myself what had happen, I wish I hadn't what I saw I'll only describe as gore. I wanted to run over to the crash and help but I knew there was not much I could do, I don't know anything about first aid, so I as quickly as possible did as the announcer told us to (I dont know how he was able to keep his cool) but I took my faimly to the car and drove back to are hotel all I rember about the drive was a DJ saying "20 dead and more then 50 injured" and pulling over for countless emergence vehicles going by and my sisters calling other family members to let them know we were ok.

Sorry for the lack of good grammar I'm on my phone and needed vent I keep replaying everything over and over in my head it still doesn't seem real.
I truly beleve Jimmy tried to pull up and tried to spare the crowed and that's the only reason my family and I as will as hundreds of others are still alive.

[m3e46333]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

I have been attending the races since the mid 90s. I never post, but i come here to read those in the know. I even came here first after the accident.

I was supposed to be inside on Friday, but we showed up late and watched over in the valley of speed. I was in awe of GGs speed as he zoomed passed Rare Bear. I was elated because I have waited a year to watch him run. We were Big Boss Man and September Fury fans, so we were looking for a new dog to root for and GG was the one (not that I dislike the others, just have my favorites and miss the four big boys battling it out dago, RB, September Fury and Strega). GG was an absolutely gorgeous plane and could bring back big battles now that voodoo was lighting up.

I tell you, from that vantage point when GG shot up like an aerobatic plane my heart sank, my stomach felt sick. It was violent and we knew something wasn't right. When he rolled my eyes started watering because I knew there was no way out. I was just thinking no no no no no no noooooooooo........ When i saw him hit, i tell you, I have no idea what i was feeling. Just empty! I was just staring from a mile+ away at what just happened. I wasn't looking to see anything, I just had an empty stare at the entire episode. Wondering why, how and just plane old WTF. I will never forget the image even from that distance. My brother then walked up and had tears in his eyes, I was trying to hold mine back.

My son was shooting video from the VoS and he stopped when he saw GG go vertical, because even he knew something wasn't right. He told me these planes just don't go up like that.

After, when I saw the other planes landing, that is when I realized that the lights from the emergency vehicles were well behind the runway, I was just thinking Oh My, please, no..... Please tell me that didn't hit the stands. When i turned on the radio, that is when i knew my worst fears had happened. It was all so overwhelming and I didn't have to deal with the horror those in the stands did.

For this reason, I feel guilty for posting this. I feel guilty because I don't know what those felt when they thought they were not going to make it. I feel guilty because just for a moment we were thinking of the wisdom of sitting near the fence at the valley of speed, so we backed up quite a way this year.

I just don't know what to think. It's bad enough when we lose a great pilot and a beautiful racing plane, but when we lose fans. How do you prepare for that?

We stayed the rest of the weekend, just walking in a void from everything that transpired. Sick of reading comments from the MSM comments section.

I returned home today and have this big knot in my stomach, a sick feeling all over again, knowing that i have video of GG on his last run down the valley of speed. I have been avoiding even touching my camera because I know what my last images of him mean. I know Jimmy is gone, I know GG is gone and I know fans are gone and many have been horrified and devastated. At the same time I'm conflicted, because I also know that I must keep my video because it's the last footage of GG (without the end results). It's all just so weird, so haunting, so numb and confusing.

Sorry for the length, sorry if this is a tasteless post in anyway. I just needed to say what I felt and saw.

[CarolinaChuck]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

Sorrow: anger: regret: resolve: but of these most I feel resolve.

CC

[AAFO_WSagar]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

I've seen a lot of "apologies" for posts in this thread. I'm just thankful we have a place to talk about what happened.

All of the posts I've seen are from the heart, immediate, raw, completely honest and real!

I'm beginning to get a "sense of mission" on what I need to do, now and next, but still numb to what happened.

I keep reliving the impact video in my mind, overlaying it with my vision of Jimmy's smiling face a day or two before.. I saw him in the pits and as always, he stopped what he was doing and came over to me, grabbed my hand and welcomed me!

We talked about our air to air mission last year, we had trouble joining because the airplane I'd hired for the mission... (very fast) was "unavailable" and I wound up in one that was not running... "well" (briefed for possible off airport landing on final... )... and I did not manage to get much..

Jimmy just shrugged and said "we'll just do it again".

I'm digging through that session, also some great Nurmi/Nurmi Wingman Photo archival shots. I think we're going to have a great tribute to our lost friend in the coming days.

I have not mentioned enough my grief over the loss of those in the box seats! I know they were all die-hard fans, I've not heard one of those injured who do not feel the races should continue. The loss suffered by those who have lost friends or relatives can never be truly realized by those of us who were lucky enough to be unscathed... or wounded and survive.

I believe we owe it to all of them to do what we can to keep the National Championship Air Races alive..

I really do love all of you "guyz"

[wolfee]

Re: Therapy? Where were you, what did you feel

I was with Bob watching the launch and I got really thirsty, so I ran over to the QB hanger to visit with Tom Thies and snag a coke. While I was there he invited me to jump on the scissor lift they had and watch the race. I declined out of my fear of heights, and I didn't want to leave Bob wondering what happened to me.

I got back to the bleachers down on the West end of the pits just in time for the start of the race. I was excited to see GG moving up on the Bear and just got done telling Bob, Jimmy is going to stay there for this next lap then pass him, then he will just kinda motor along behind Voodoo the rest of the race and finish 3rd.

When he passed the Bear in the valley of speed I was jumping up and down, raised my arms to salute Jimmy as he was going to pass. Then all he'll broke loose. I knew from the angle of the climb something broke. Then we watched him roll over and dive. I was yelling no, no, no NOOOO!. I said a very quick prayer and begged the Lord "not the stands, please not the stands".

We could not see the impact from ware we were. But it really looked like he whent into the consession area. I felt my stomach churn and and my knees wobbled. I could not believe what I just saw.

Bob and I wondered over the West hangers to try and get a view of were it was, but thankfully couldn't see anything. People were saying he whent into the stands. And my stomach lurched. No one seemed to know we're he hit down there. Then REMSA, and the fire trucks started rolling in.

We didn't really know we're he hit intill we met up with the Naughty Girl team back in the hanger and they told us. I'm guessing 15 to 30 minutes later.

My stomach is still churning, and I get this over helming urge to puke just about every 30 minutes or so.

My drive to work tonight was not fun. I work in stead just off of lear Blvd. I always scan the sky for AC as I'm driving down stead Blvd. Not tonight, I kept my eyes on the road.

In the morning when I get off work, I am going to force my self to go to the make shift memorial and take some pics, and say a prayer.

There are so many things I am greatfull for about that day. I keep trying to go through them to take my mind off of what I am not thankfull for.

I thank each and every one of you for posting and telling your feelings, and letting us know you are ok.

Wolfee